What I Learned About Communication After Running Out of Words
Nov 26, 2024
by Pru Valentine
I came across a quote recently by an unknown author that said:
I always thought if I communicated enough,
there would be change.
But that's not the case.
You can communicate until you run out of breath,
but if there's no comprehension, your words are useless.
It stopped me in my tracks.
It made me reflect on just how out of breath I’ve been, trying to 'communicate' my way through life, relationships, and challenges, thinking that was enough.
Recently, I had the chance to sit down with an ex—the ex. The one who broke my heart into what felt like a trillion pieces, the one I was convinced I’d never recover from. That breakup sent me spiralling to the lowest point I’ve ever been, but it was also the catalyst for the deepest inner work, the most intense healing, and ultimately the most fulfilling career and life I could have ever imagined.
Back then, I would have sworn we were great communicators. We were the best of friends. Nothing was ever off the table—we talked about feelings, dreams, ideas. We could spend hours chatting about random fun things or tackling difficult conversations, though admittedly, those often turned into passionate disagreements or the occasional yelling match.
The truth? We were terrible communicators.
Turns Out Communication Isn’t 'Just Talking'
How could I, someone confident in speaking and reasonably articulate, be so bad at communicating? We talked all the time—surely that’s communication, right? Yes, but that’s only one half of the equation.
Back then, I had no real understanding of who I was, what I truly valued, or even the range of emotions I felt. My emotional vocabulary was practically nonexistent—happy, sad, angry. That was it. How could I communicate effectively about feelings I couldn’t even identify myself?
One of my biggest slaps in the face, tough love lessons, and eventual gifts of inner work was coming face to face with myself. I had nowhere to run. I couldn’t continue to just play the victim. I had to own my own behaviour and choices.
Therefore, letting go and releasing the blame.
Letting Go of Blame
Sure, he played his part. He made choices and did things that weren’t ideal, but that real emotional need to hold him purely responsible can no longer exist when I, too, played part in the breakdown.
These things alone have allowed the ex and I to sit and have some really deep conversations without the emotional attachment and it has been eye opening to say the least.
He approached me for coaching after life lead him to a dead end and feeling like everything was shattering down. This in itself was an incredible time of reflection and recognition for me. I could sit and hear his stories and not be triggered at all, and not get really emotional. It was like sitting with any other client. In my head I kept thinking to myself “hearing this stuff is meant to hurt somehow, right?” but it didn’t.
What a gift to have been given, real proof that I had managed to heal such a massive heartbreak and hurt at such a deep level. If I can do it, anyone else can do it too, as long as they’re willing to stick through the process and change their perspective, patterns and behaviours.
The Truth About “Why Didn’t You Tell Me?” Moments
On the flip side of the coaching, have been many eye-opening conversations.
These conversations have been full of “why didn’t you tell me that,” “oh, that’s what you meant,” and “that’s not what I meant” moments. I’ve realised just how much fear held me back from sharing how I really felt.
At the time, sharing my feelings felt too vulnerable. What if he knew how I felt and still didn’t choose me? How would I survive that?
As an overthinker, I analysed every possible outcome. So, when he offered a different perspective, I’d immediately go on the defensive. I justified why I was right because, in my mind, he didn’t recognise the effort I’d already put in, which felt like he was questioning my worth.
Blimey! Who knows how many great opportunities we missed simply because I wasn’t truly listening.
It’s no surprise that our relationship ended up in the toilet when neither of us was able to be 100% open and honest with ourselves - let alone anyone else - and also didn’t have any comprehension of things being offered or said.
Communication Requires Comprehension
This leads me to the next part of the communication cocktail:
- You have to know yourself and understand your feelings to be able to share them completely.
- If you aren’t open to receive and hear from others, you’ll never have the complete picture.
I now have such a deep connection and understanding of myself.
I also have let go of so much of the fear I had about sharing my feelings and hearing what others would say, because I have learned the only way to ever be happy and successful in relationships (friendships, business, intimate etc) and life is to give yourself authentically. Be open to receive from those you allow in your space.
I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve learned this: true communication is about connection, not just noise. It’s about knowing yourself, expressing your truth, and being open to understanding others.
And for the first time, I feel like I’m really communicating.
Hey, I’m Pru!I’m an innerwork coach who loves mixing the “woo-woo” with a bit of science to help people make real changes in their lives. I’ve got training in NLP, Matrix Therapies, and Masculine & Feminine Coaching, but honestly, most of what I bring to the table comes from life itself. Trust me, I’ve been through the highs, the lows, and everything in between.I’m a mum to two (mostly) awesome kids, so I know what it’s like to juggle all the things while still trying to figure out who you are. My clients inspire me every single day, and I’m always learning something new—about myself, about them, and about what makes us tick.I’m not about fancy titles or making things more complicated than they need to be. I’m here to help you find your way, whether that’s letting go of the stuff that’s been holding you back or just figuring out what makes you feel like you.Let’s keep it real, have a laugh, and maybe even cry a bit—it’s all part of the process!
